Zwielicht
Administrator
Administrator
Founding Member
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Letter From An Office Outlaw©℗®™℠
March 8, 2025
March 8, 2025
We have some very exciting changes coming soon to Office Outlaw©℗®™℠!
Starting on April 1, 2026, Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ will be acquired by a large freelancing corporation who will come in and move this community forward with strategic initiatives!
We're kicking off this newsletter by making a statement: we here at Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ are listening, and after listening to your feedback, we've come up with a solid 6-point plan to rapidly improve this forum!
6 Most Wanted Updates For Today
1. Everything Is Left-Aligned Left-alignment is professional. After all, if it weren't, it wouldn't be the default. That's why we'll be only doing left-alignments with this newsletter! | 2. Everything is exciting Don't agree with this sentiment? That's too bad, because our terms of service stipulate that agreement with us is a necessity. |
3. Erasing The Old Administration Out with the old, in with the new! Like all big corporations who come in and change everything immediately, we definitely plan on blaming the old administration for everything. This way, when we inevitably ruin the platform, we can point the finger at them and say, "Hey, they did!" | 4. 1-Month Memberships Today, we'll be introducing 1-month memberships for Sapphire. Only $9.99/month! Never mind that this is actually a price increase over the yearly membership, just ignore that. |
5. Gaslighting We wouldn't be a big corporation with a heavy dose of gaslighting. Was that feature from yesterday changed? You're imaging it, because it's always been like this. Is your 1-month membership only 28 days even though there's an average of 30.44 days in a month? Shhhhh... don't do math, we do all the thinking for you! | 6. A Whole New Team Those guys who were here since the beginning? Forget those guys! Today, we'll be replacing the existing Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ team with our own internal staff, who we have extensively vetted using AI! |
6 Most Wanted Updates For Tomorrow
| 1. New Logo! Yay! Let's face it, this current "logo" has got to go! A bull's head is just so yesterday! That's why we'll be changing the logo to Arial font and adding in a Sabbatic Goat's head in the middle of an inverted pentagram instead! | 2. Renaming "Zwielicht" What kind of name is that, anyway? Sounds like something a childish child would come up with! Hahaha silly dumb previous admin child! That's why over the next week, our team will be having multiple, unproductive hour-long meetings to discuss new potential names for our primary account here on Office Outlaw©℗®™℠. Our goal is to find a brand name that's easy to pronounce and, ehem, more "normal". One of our Senior Freelancing Developers™ has already suggested a few ideas, so stay tuned! |
| 3. Mass Hirings! Nothing screams progress like doing mass hires! But like most corporations, we'll be looking into how to pay as little as possible whilst skirting employment laws around the world by calling you a "contractor"! If that sounds like a dream come true for you, then be on the lookout for our next job advert! | 4. Only The Royal "We" Like other companies, we claim that we use the royal to show that we're a unified front (against our own users), but we actually like hide our incompetencies behind the royal we. This way, you don't know who to blame and our managers can point the finger at one of their underlings when something goes wrong, even if it's their fault! Go team! |
| 5. No More Newsletter Images This requires too much work to do! Instead, our future newsletter will be about everything amazing that our team is doing for this platform! | 6. More Rules! Rules are fun, and we want you to understand this! Tomorrow, we'll be introducing a whole new set of rules designed to oppress our users into submission! Time to celebrate! |
6 Most Wanted Ideas For The Future
| 1. New Theme This theme has too much colour! As a corporate entity, we will be getting our technical department to develop a new theme based on cold, hard stats and guidelines created by other corporations that have no personality whatsoever! Maybe we'll take a look at everyone's favourite Brand Resource Center by our friend, Google! | 2. "Rules For Thee, But Not For Me" This current Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ TOS has rules that both moderators and members are meant to follow. Phooey, we say! Moderators should be above the rules, so we'll be discussing in our Teams meetings ways we can adjust the rules so that our members (that's you) can know you're beneath our staff in every way. Go team! |
| 3. Our Brand New Board of Directors Since Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ is being operated by a subsidiary, we plan on getting a whole new board of directors for our platform! Our board of directors will serve important functions, like coming in and having no idea how anything works, yet bossing everyone around! The majority of the income generated from this platform will also be funneled into their quarterly bonuses so that they can take over a dozen vacations each year to the same hotel in Portugal in order to rest their weary suits. | 4. Forum Futur That's not a typo! Consider this our official announcement for Forum Futur, our rebrand for this site which we expect to release later this year! Now, you may say to yourself that this site is just over a year old, but our team is always thinking about the future... the FUTUR. Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ 2036, Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ 2,077, we're always thinking... about... the futur. That's why over the coming decades, when we don't meet our release goal of later this year, we will be hard at work over-hyping this update and losing track of the countless unrealistic promises that we'll later say we never made. |
| 5. Mass Firings! Like all big corporations, we plan on doing mass firings of our most loyal employees (without notice) once we figure out how to replace them with AI. Maybe we'll just fire them when our AI system ends up costing so much money, that we have no other choice but to invest in it and not the people working for us! | 6. Mass Re-Hires When our new AI system that we don't understand inevitably doesn't work out, we plan on re-hiring our same employees! How does this benefit you, the end-user? Why are we telling you this? Because we can get away with it, that's why! |
Conclusion
That's 6 performance-driven most wanted updates, 6 empowering ideas we have for tomorrow, and 6 deliverable ideas for the future. We follow this 6-6-6 format as an easy way for our community to know that we are organised and trustworthy, because nothing says trust like s̷̡̨̛̭̟͖̣̤̥͔̻͒̐̌͊͒̾̆̇̾̐̇̂̍͝p̴̡̨̛͚̹̞͙̟̙̙̜̥̫̘̫͕̥̓̋̆̓̀̃̂̋͘͜r̶̢̨̢̝͕̳̬̝̰̖͓͉͒̍̓̒̃̇̈́̍̐̿͛͛͑͑̕͝e̵̡͕̗͔̯̩͈̜͖̬͐̈́́̂̎ả̷͈̭̙̙͍̏̈̔̽̈̅̈́́̐̄͠d̷̛͎͈̤͓̲̼͒̽͗̑̎̄̈̌͌̒̅͠i̶͖̋͛̏͘ñ̷̨̨̢̨̧̛̮̜̺͕̠̩̳͇̼̗͕̆̀̌̆̋̀͊̏̈͠g̵̯̀̍͑̈ ̷̢̱̮͍͓̞̼̝̙̫̋̓͒̑͗͒̐͆̋͊̕̕͘t̵̨̜̼̗͙̦̤͍̜̙̺̻̆͐̅̈̇̾̅͘͝h̷̜̙̟̝͖̃͐̈́̅̆̑̀̃̓͊̊͠͝è̸̗̦͈̙͚̂̃̃̽̀̆͜ ̶̧͖͎̖͛̍̀̉͝b̶̫̬̟̼̦̣͎̘͍̼͇͎͔̀͗̌̕l̴̻̮̯̅̿̃͊̈́̇̌̆͋̄̇̔̀̃̕͠o̴̢̟͎͈͕̦͓̝͕̼͔̍̋͐̾͗̈́̀͑͑̇̽͛̕̕̚͜͜͝o̶̙̘͒̈̑̍̊̑̈́̂̽̿̒̈̏̿́d̴̡̯̗̱̳̬̦̺̥̠͔̽̃ ̴̭̤̎͑͆̔̄̇̒̉̚̕͠ọ̷͙͈́̏̈́f̵̘̞̰̒͂͆͌ ̷̛͇̗̭̺̖͔̇̊̎̌̀̀̉͌̑̕͠t̴̨̮̤̤͚͎͓̣̟̭͎͉̹̝̟͆̄̉̂̄̔͂͆͛̚͝h̶̢̝̤͘e̵̙̮̜̅̑͊̈́͘ ̵̪͕̮̮̟̺͍̪̩̜͔̗̉i̸̪̼̙̲̳̅n̴͚̓͊ṉ̵̯̤͖͕͉͔̾́̄̆̌͌͛̅͋́̾ṓ̷̧̥̦̖͉͙̻͎c̸͇̹̯̘̺̺̙̮̈́̏̄̑͑̔͑̐̎͌̂͠e̸̦͚͚̩̜̓̄̓͌̍́̇̃͒͌̈̀̌͐̐̉̕ņ̸̹̼̬̜͇̺̠͉͛̽́̈̊͗͠t̴̨̛̒̈́́́̈́̽̀̄́
Oopsies! We mean like having an easy set of numbers to remember!
See you again soon,
The Office Outlaw©℗®™℠ Team
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